A Few Thoughts

Joe always came up just short. For example, his dog is a Better-Than-Average Dane.

If you didn’t like those “apply directly where it hurts” ads, you’ll hate the ones showing now for rectal thermometers.

Talk about low sex drive! He bought the soundtrack to “Girls Gone Wild.”

I wanted fresh vegetables so I went to the grocery and a carrot dissed me.

I’ve stopped listening to the president. If I want lied to, I’ll ask my wife why she got home late.

HOW THE STORY CHANGED

2002
Little George Bush sat on his tush
Warning ‘bout WMDs.
When he got our ear, he taught us to fear.
We must defeat Saddam, oh please!

2003
Dubya made a stop on a US flattop
And strutted. He’d got what he wished.
He stuck up his thumb and said, “I ain’t dumb.
By me was this mission accomplished.”

2004
George made his speeching a new kind of teaching
‘Bout how any questions were treason.
But as he was spinning ‘bout how we were winning,
Iraqi snipers and bombs were in season.

2005
Bush never strayed from the path he had laid,
A path he said we must endorse.
The terrororists win if we ever give in
So we must all stay the course.

2006
While George was out stumping, he kept on tub thumping
‘Bout how things were great in Iraq.
“It’s better each hour. We’re growing in power.
A decade, we’ll start bringing boys back.”

JOHNNY KERRY

Whenever Johnny Kerry went out West,
We people who were voters looked at him.
He was a gentleman, one of our best,
Clean favored and tuburcularly slim.

And he seemed always dressed in gray.
And he was rather turgid when he spoke.
He didn’t inspire liberals on his best day,
And God knows he couldn’t tell a joke!

His wife was rich -- yes, richer than a Trump --
And he’d been taught at Yale’s respected school
So even though he campaigned like a lump,
We favored him o’er that loony Texas fool.

So on we worked and hoped for what is right
But feared Diebold, Florida, and the South.
And Johnny Kerry one calm summer night
Went out and put his big foot in his mouth.

WHY IT WASN'T FOLEY'S FAULT

Foley has an alcohol problem. Blame Jack Daniels.
Foley is gay. Blame Ellen DeGeneres.
Foley was sexually abused by a priest. Blame Father Flynn.
The Liberal Media is blowing this out of proportion. Blame the New York Times.
Foley was always picked last in schoolyard games. Blame the faculty of P.S. 132.
Foley’s father often wore a dress. Blame Christian Dior.
Democrats are spending millions to keep this in the news. Blame George Soros.
Foley’s maid threw away his baseball cards. Blame What’s-Her-Name – the one who dusts.
Foley never met Elvis. Blame Colonel Parker.
Foley never met Hillary. Blame Tenzing.
Foley’s been paying more than $2.50 a gallon. Blame OPEC.
Foley was depressed over the breakup of the Beatles. Blame Yoko Ono.
Foley’s ears didn’t match. Blame what’s between them.
It’s all Bill Clinton’s fault

Even More Mumbling

11 – 7: Eleven is the number of Canadians willing to trade their healthcare for ours; seven is the number of American politicians willing to do something about it.

If Global Warming had hit a hundred years ago, the Titanic would still be sailing today. Of course it would have to dock in Peoria.

The e-coli-spinach incident has made me nervous about the food I eat. Last night I washed and scrubbed my dinner. That’s the last time I do that with soup.

If our football team punts now, the terrorists have won.

I got a lemon when I bought a GPS receiver. It just sits there in my living room and never tells me where I go.

THINGS YOU ALMOST NEVER HEAR FROM FOOTBALL FANS

If they really wanted to, they could get in more commercials.

I wish those other guys would pipe down so Theismann could talk.

Extra points are the most thrilling plays.

D’ja ever notice? They never do kneel-downs in the first quarter.

They ought to review every play and catch all the rule breakers.

After they make a play, players should show excitement so fans will know.

Our QB is just a little off today, but that’s no reason to put in the back-up.

Games would be better with more field goals.

The cameras should show more of the painted fans in the stands.

While we’re here. We should buy something. The team needs the money.

THE LATEST MUMBLES

I took MotionEaze, Viagra and Unestra and had a wonderful wet dream.

Pro Bono: those who favored Sonny over Gregg Allman.

Q: Michael Jackson is still called the King of Pop, but has he been usurped?
A: Hey, Man, I don’t even like to think about whet he and those kids do.

A woman who commits adultery should be stoned, but sometimes it’s enough if she’s just a little drunk.

The only place on earth unaffected by Global Warming is the Oval Office.