Blind Mumbling

A compilation of writings that never got anyone excited.

Location: N. Huntingdon, Pennsylvania, United States

Former teacher, co-editor of Total Football and the author of more than 20 books and over 200 articles, most about sports history. His credits include Pro Football: When the Grass Was Real, The Hidden Game of Football (with John Thorn and Pete Palmer), Baseball Between the Lies, The Importance of Napoleon, and the Battle of Stalingrad. He is presently Executive Director of the Pro Football Researchers Association.

Friday, April 28, 2006

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You’ve had a long, hard day. Finally you’re in bed, ready to drift off. Suddenly, your descent into healing sleep is interrupted by an annoying itch in your groin. Tragically, you’ll stay awake until you scratch. And then the cure may keep you awake even longer! Sadly, you are a victim of Really Annoying Groin Itch at Night Syndrome, or A.M.P.R.X.B.U.G., or Arghhh!

Now, at long last, help is available!

Ask your doctor about AUHAN DAHN, the little purple pill that can give you a full, non-itching groin for a great night’s sleep when used as directed.

Do not take Auhan Dahn if you are addicted to hominy grits, occasionally drink kerosene, are under treatment for Sally Struthers Disease, or sometimes bark at the moon. Side effects may include neuralgia, constipation, stuffy head and speeches, loss of hearing in elevators, continuous belching, persistent memory of clowns, sniffles, maggot breath, compulsion to do long division, inability to speak Spanish, bearing children with heads of pigs, addiction to “American Idol,” sudden growth of earlobes, stuttering on words beginning with Q, automatic crossing of fingers when lying, coughing if told to look away, loss of hair on one’s knees, higher gas prices, spontaneous combustion, and other less common problems. Be sure to contact your doctor if any body parts fall off.


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